So, hear me out…why do men?
No, really, why do men? You know, do the things they do surrounding how they love? Transactional at best, borderline insidious at worst — the landscape of modern loving has trended toward such dysregulation that we’re losing the plot. Maybe this isn’t a case solely surrounding how men love but rather a question of why power struggles have become so prevalent in the “game” of love, especially amongst our male counterparts. Something’s gotta give or I’m afraid our relations are doomed to a quid pro quo of the heart.
It’s hard not to notice how boys and men disproportionately come to view love as a hurdle to be conquered. Uncomfortably maneuvering their relationships in a discombobulated leap toward showmanship in place of depth, the loss of integrity in union can’t be a phenomenon of no rhyme or reason. It should be understood that love is not actually an elusive game where the only prize to be won is beating an opponent. It’s illogical to view partnerships (either platonic or romantic) as a competition for recognition but there has been a lack of opportunity for men to exhibit love void of competitiveness and judgment. Really, hear me out.
bell hooks states in The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love:
Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term “masculinity”) is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.
Men increasingly do not have many spaces to authenticate self-reflection or celebration. The value of their identity lies in what they give, what they do, and their proximity to social greatness. This is their introduction to love as a transaction. Being who they are is simply not enough even though the right to be cherished should be afforded to all regardless of gender. The erasure of emotional value in males has been conflated with a radicalized attitude where women have it all and men have nothing. There is no balance in polarized thinking as it only socializes harmful miscommunication in this case regarding self-worth. The polarization of gender advocacy has overcorrected to absolutist thought exacerbating power struggles and excluding any objective of equity or understanding between genders.
hooks continues the discussion on masculinity and love by stating:
…Psychological patriarchy is a "dance of contempt," a perverse form of connection that replaces true intimacy with complex, covert layers of dominance and submission, collusion and manipulation. It is the unacknowledged paradigm of relationships that has suffused Western civilization generation after generation, deforming both sexes, and destroying the passionate bond between them.
Contempt permits relationships to be an opportunity for transactional gain and general detachment. Here emotional unavailability thrives and becomes foundational to intimacy without depth if it’s even worth calling it intimacy at all. This further propagates jealousy and competitiveness as previously mentioned. Best-selling author Susan Winter states:
Jealousy is a defensive response to feeling inferior and devalued. It’s the auto-reaction of one who doesn’t know their own worth, or that of a partner responding to an inappropriate situation created by their mate. In relationships, a chronic jealousy of ‘others’ signifies the fear of losing one’s position of power. Other people are seen as a threat. Real or imagined, this creates an emotional roller coaster that eventually erodes love within the partnership.
How can you be in union with a friend or partner if you are on opposite teams? You can’t be. I discussed with a good friend of mine how it seems as though rivalry is always the common denominator in dysfunctional relationships. The unwillingness to show up for one another with vulnerability and honesty evades the root of all love – trust. This was considered in a conversation with a close friend of mine.
“Why does it seem like at a certain point guys are at odds with the love they’re being shown?”
“I mean it can go both ways.”
“Yeah, anybody can be unhealthy in that way.”
“I get you though.”
“…but why do you think that is? Why not put in the work? Vulnerability can’t be that bad.”
“Is it because we are young and think we have so much time [to figure things out]?”
“Maybe? Comfortability for sure.”
“Ooo, yes, with loneliness. My boyfriend said he’s too busy for friendships, but I think he’s too scared of rejection.” There goes that fear of losing power!
“Mhm, loneliness for some is better than rejection.”
“That or shallow relationships that fill a void until they don’t. ”
“Yup…”
“Yup…”
That being said, the prevalence of emotional detachment today in conjunction with struggles of dominance is absolute nuttery. Masculinity be damned, accountability give us some grace!
With the assumption that their feelings do not matter, and their pockets or social status is the great motivator of receiving affection/recognition, men and boys have become disjointed in their search for belonging. We as a society must highlight our alignment in the lack of tenderness toward the men in our lives (because nobody wants to take responsibility for what they’ve done!). Our lack of compassion has been enmeshed with our concern of men taking up too much space confusing the major concern. As a person who has joked about being a misandrist, I do acknowledge that giving credence to that word in a literal sense only breeds abuse and allows for cyclical abrasiveness. So, let’s turn the tide to tenderness.
hook establishes:
To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.
So, what was heard? The intention of strengthening how we show up for men by giving them the benefit of visibility and appreciation goes a long way. We must note that it cannot take place without an ego death though. A consistent motif for me this week was the proximation to the pain of others. It serves humanity to be sensitive to the groanings of others while exemplifying the joy they have to look forward to — not in a sense of gloating but for collective upliftment. It isn’t our job to pacify the faults of men yet it isn’t appropriate to ignore who they are and deny their will to be loving. After all, we cannot love alone. Strength doesn’t have to be about putting up high walls but having the courage to let people in. There is no competition or jealousy in real love. Feel empowered and emboldened in spreading love to the men in your life and men, do the same for others… Affection is worthy for all willing to participate!