It Takes A Village
To raise an abuser and to break a woman — The psychological and emotional abuse of Love Island’s Melanie Moreno.
Disclaimer: I do not know or claim to know any individuals mentioned, and my remarks are solely based on depictions presented by the edited production of Love Island USA Season 8.
So, hear me out…it takes a village to raise an abuser, and it takes a village to break a woman. In my third year of watching the US iteration of the beloved television series where young singles seek to find love in a tropical Fijian bubble, Love Island yet again functions not as your average dating show but as a sociological assessment keen to the Truman Show. The group dynamics between islanders are reflective of social functioning by generation and culture. This year reflected Generation Z’s misogynistic dating norms and polarized internet ideologies. From KC Chandler’s “manosphere” adjacent behaviors to Zach Georgiou and Kayda Bosse’s perpetual situationship limbo, we’ve seen our unfortunate dating snafus mirrored on screen. Although globally Gen Z has a large problem with treating dating with any baseline of decency, it can be recognized that the standardization of these dating behaviors has produced the perfect setting for the most arduous coupling of this season yet — Melanie Moreno and Sincere Rhea.
I’d rather not run down the entirety of this couple’s relationship in great detail, but for those of you too busy or too uninterested in watching on your own, here’s a brief recap:
The couple pairs the first night in the villa. The pair shares a growing bond, and romance buds.
Melanie is excited by the bombshell entering the villa for fellow islander Kenzie.
Sincere unhappy about Melanie’s excitement. Meanwhile, a bombshell girl, Sol, enters the villa. Sincere explores a connection with her while doing the same with Melanie deceptively.
Leading them both on, he dumps Sol, much to her surprise, both romantically and from the villa.
He apologizes for betraying Melanie’s trust. The connection is back on.
Surprise, Casa Amor is here. He does it again. It’s all caught on camera for Melanie to see.
Sincere must answer for his misdeeds, but offers a lack of comfort to his partner as the situation inconveniences his public image.
Melanie contemplates leaving, but her “friends” encourage her to stay.
Her family warns her to leave the relationship. The warnings fall short.
The couple remains; Melanie stays and makes it to the final four with Insincere.
This season we’ve witnessed Melanie be manipulated into accepting Sincere’s emotional and romantic abuse through his infidelity, lack of respect, and compulsive lying. With the help of his friends in the villa and America’s vote, he has been successfully able to paint a charismatic personality that supersedes the transgressions he has made against several women he’s been linked to in the villa, including Melanie. I make it a point to recognize the weight of the word “abuse” in this context because it is so often unrecognized or dismissed as an average dating qualm when, in actuality, intentional mental and emotional disorientation is, in fact, an abuse that many face without realizing until the damage is often too much to bear. Dynamics like this must be called exactly what they are, even if it’s uncomfortable to label them as such at this scale. By mincing words, we allow for abusive dynamics to snowball until we witness the worst that cannot be ignored — and by worse, I mean that which has been socialized to be taboo but holds equal weight in my eyes as a wrongdoing within partner dynamics and general regard for other human beings.
The question isn’t just why society enables abusers; it’s how? The enablement of abuse is rooted in misogyny, systemic power imbalances, and the prioritization of rehabilitating public image to maintain the status quo. All of these factors recognizably benefit male abusers disproportionately (although it’s recognized that said abuses are not exclusively gendered!). The safety and regard for those receiving said abuses fall short, as it requires facing the discomfort in the process of dismantling mistreatment. It is easier to accept idyllic realities before disrupting social processes.
In the finale, Melanie cuddled up to Sincere, sharing, “I’m happy that America has seen something other than the bad of us. [They voted for us] so that means they’re seeing something good.” It isn’t that America sees more than the bad; they’ve accepted it as either entertainment or inconsequential to the harmful precedent it perpetuates across the dating pool. Additionally, we’ve witnessed the reinforcement of toxic behaviors through statements like “If I want to be team Sincere, then I’m going to be team Sincere” and “I just feel like he’s trying” from fellow islanders and close friends of Melanie. This is not the behavior of a friend who has the best interests of another friend. I won’t focus on blaming Melanie’s sway toward Sincere on her friend’s reinforcement of poor treatment, but it must be highlighted as a huge factor in how abuses prevail. When a victim witnesses the rally behind an abuser, it additively gaslights their experience into invalidation. “Did that really happen the way I remember it?” “Was my response to the abuse an overreaction?” “Why isn’t anybody supporting me?” These are all thoughts that further contribute to the disorientation that leads a victim to choose an abuser over and over.
The acceptance of psychological abuse imbued on women everywhere is a plague. Many women see themselves in Melanie, whether past or present, but we all hope not to replicate her reality in the future. I’m happy to see that there were some people there to speak sense into the situation. A quote that stuck with me through the “Family Night” episode is the one proposed by Melanie’s mother: “Why are you giving him another chance when there are many others waiting for their first?” When we continuously offer chances to the wrong person who squanders our love, we offer our valuable time to their learning curve at the expense of our sanity and respect. It is no fault of our own to choose ourselves first if it means letting go of people who show us a lack of regard. It doesn’t mean they cannot grow from it, but it should mean that that lesson shouldn’t involve you any further from the pain inflicted on you. Although I could hop into a discussion regarding forgiveness, this and that yada yada, I won’t because it undermines the active hurt that builds an abuser. Forgiveness is for the inflicted, an act that should not surpass the active thought of reckoning and recovery.
Additionally, I recognize Sincere’s father setting him straight, which is both warranted and appreciated, though I’d like to note that some verbiage can still make way for enablement. By creating the narrative “this isn’t the Sincere I know,” we perpetuate the disillusionment from the truth that is clearly presented in front of us, even if we understand this isn’t the man you’ve raised; this is who Sincere has presented himself as. Just because we’d like a friend, charismatic person, or a romantic partner we care for to be something aspirational, we cannot fall victim to the falsehood of who they continuously exhibit themselves to be. It comes at the disservice of our mental and emotional health, which in this case comes at no direct concern to the perpetrator. If it had, we’d see this dynamic dissolve in favor of proper self-reflection in Sincere’s end and a chance for Melanie to emotionally rehabilitate herself away from the possibility of ever being entangled in a manipulative dynamic as the one she is currently in. Sure, what we have seen isn’t everything, but what we have is enough to be irreparable. This is not only a precedent that perpetuates cyclical abuses, but it’s a reflection of our current dating and relationship standards as a society. The lack of compassion through flippant acceptance is just as detrimental to the abuses directed toward victims.
Unfortunately, I cannot even blame Melanie for her decision to “follow her heart” because the system failed her (Rob Rauch, your contribution to the English language strikes again). The attempt at releasing oneself from an emotionally disorienting dynamic needs the support and push of a community, and said effort has come a little too late in Melanie’s circumstance. Now, do I think Sincere is plotting to pain Melanie any chance he gets? Not completely. Though I do see his lack of regard for how his selfish actions impact his partner negatively and his short-sightedness in considering feelings and desires outside of his own as irreparably harmful. His dedication to desire and maintaining a charismatic image with partners and friends surpasses the care and compassion necessary in keeping honest in his relationship dynamics. Hence, Sincere becomes “Insincere”.
Let it be a baseline that we do not accept dynamics that are not favorable for our loved ones in an attempt to stay on the good side or so as not to hurt them. It’s necessary to be forthcoming with the truth to set us free. I hope that the Melanie’s of the world feel the support that helps them navigate abusive dynamics that aren’t deserved yet, unfortunately, easy to fall into. It takes a village to build an abuser, but it also takes a village to break the cycle of one too.