It’s Getting Weird…

The pissing match of comparison

So, hear me out…it’s getting weird. The ethics counsel has called in session a case of the inhibitions in envy.

Aristotle defined envy as pain at the sight of another's good fortune, stirred by "those who have what we ought to have". In defining envy it serves to question the entitlement that enables disqualification of healthy relationships and sound confidence that we all seek to achieve or at least should. In the perception of our authentic selves, why are we being blamed for our natural disposition or public image? We have become accustomed to our new age of constant comparison in favor of its blinding suspicion. In this, I have to wonder…has the green-eyed monster eclipsed the integrity of our relations in favor of conditioned competitiveness?

Recently, I had a heart-to-heart with a friend where the conversation was about competitiveness in relationships. As an extension of the power struggles discussed in “I’m Being Punked” we pondered why the actual engine of jealousy in relationships is offensive rather than defensive. “Do we have to become small to make other people comfortable?” she questioned. In searching for an answer, I had to recall an instance in school where a former classmate and I were the only two black girls in a particular class. Through similitude and congenial attitude, we got on well. This was until one instance when she began reproaching me regarding her assumption of how I viewed myself. “You must think you are so perfect! Perfect home life, perfect family, perfect this, perfect that. Everyone says you’re pretty and you must love it. You’re just so prim and proper too – just look at you thinking you’re better than the rest of us.”  Naive and embarrassed, I just took it. I believed us to be on the same team yet the entire time she felt inferior to me by her own volition. Rather than finding community in each other, she had found a foe.  In a misguided quest to feel secure within herself, she allowed envy to guide her right over the line of love (for herself and others) and over into hate. I’d like to note that I still cannot believe the absurdity of this and wouldn’t be hurt if someone questioned the validity of it happening because it seems too ridiculous to be true yet that’s what jealousy does – it blinds us from reason and reality.

In reflecting on this experience as an adult I only have sympathy for her in that stage of her life. Considering the private stressors she was enduring in conjunction with us being compared as the only two black girls, I understand how she managed to seek comfort in envious projection rather than face the reality of circumstance – the truth that sometimes life is unfair but it is up to us to navigate our personal tribulations. Understandably, it’s a lot to ask of a child (hell, even a mature adult) to navigate feelings of inadequacy, especially at the hands of comparison yet it is not impossible with the grace and agency we afford ourselves.

Wildly enough, competition in relationships isn’t insular to academic/friendly companionships but also romantic. The experience of men admitting jealousy hasn’t been uncommon to witness.

In paraphrasing an assertion a male acquaintance of mine states, “In my opinion, men often always have an underlining sense of competition in their friendships if not most of their relationships. It’s usually an underlying issue they’ll have to face.” Because this discussion was specifically based on gendered congruities I would like to also establish its applicableness to all gender identities within romantic relations. As we are human we are all susceptible to rivalry that is birthed out of skepticism and a search for acceptance. Considering this, we must remember jealousy only inhibits forward progression in relationships and obliterates any semblance of trust. Idealism displaces realism in the acceptance of self. We chase after the image of what is not yet achieved or achievable and project our insecurities onto those who may fit within that category instead. Here we fail to come to terms with who the projectee may be in actuality outside of our misperceptions in the search to feel better about ourselves.

Comparatively, one of my favorite shows as an adolescent, E4 series My Mad Fat Diary, depicts, Ray, an overweight girl maneuvering her life in the early nineties through her self-doubt. Romance, friendships, mental health, sex, and community aren’t easily balanced in a life where negative public perception as a big girl prevails over everything. From Ray’s point of view in the earlier seasons we witness the lashes of mistreatment she endures as a result of her identity though the final season depicts the same version of events from the perspective of everyone else. In this version, the audience settles into the discomfort of realizing Ray wasn’t the victim she pinned herself to be but was actually a lousy person. Through her insecurity and lack of love for herself, she projected feelings of unworthiness and disdain toward those closest to her. By diminishing herself she inadvertently created a dynamic of competitiveness with those who contrasted her self-perception. Her best friend, Chloe, served as the visual marker to all she could not be. Her crush, Archie, served as the visual marker of all she could not have. Her mother’s newfound relationship served as a visual marker of all she could not achieve. Ray had all the reason to feel victimized by her circumstance but chose to marvel at the title of “victim”. Rather than acknowledging feelings of unfairness and moving forward from it she basked in it and allowed her feelings to turn into resentment. It was only until Ray accepted herself for better or worse that resentment and envy dissipated.

Here we can acknowledge that feeling inadequate is valid but it is often not a reality. Yet in navigating these negative feelings we should never fault others for where they are in life in comparison to us, especially if they did not request to be a part of our pissing contest. In search for approval, performance can become innate prioritizing itself over self-acceptance. Here you disqualify any possibility of authentic relationships when we allow invented notions of ourselves and others to eclipse actuality. 

So, what was heard? We must utilize our agency and choose where we need to be. As it pertains to your self-presentation, the outset will take you for who you show yourself to be and it is up to us to take control of our narrative rather than being shaped by public perception. In this, people aren’t going to challenge you the way you challenge yourself. People will allow you to stay exactly where you believe you have to be. Let us not allow our insecurities to replace the integrity of our relations. We poison the roots in which our unions are founded by permitting the introduction of envy. So to be clear, your journey is not my journey and vice versa. We are all worthy in our uniqueness to ourselves – bask in that!